As you’ve already determined, I’m not a big believer in “Quick Fixes” and “Magic Solutions”. Everyone wants the fast , free, fun and easy. Me too. I also realize that in the real world, it usually takes work to get results. Fortunately, the following tips ARE easy to implement. Follow the plan and you’ll conquer approach anxiety forever.
Approach Anxiety is VERY normal. Meeting women can be *gasp* scary! Most men experience this fear to some degree But if your fears are crippling you or having a significantly detrimental impact on your life, you might want to seek out professional help.
This section will address your “pre-game” – how to prepare yourself mentally.
THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING. We’ve all heard of the Power of Positive thinking. Its great stuff. There’s also something to be said for doing the opposite! If you’re setting the bar too high, your subconscious won’t accept the the new programming and will rigister a ‘conflict error’. Instead, try setting LOW expectations.Seriously. It’ll take the pressure off you. Plus, they’re easier to achieve. Taking small actions will break your paralysis and help you build momentum-
ACCEPT REJECTION. You’ve probably heard it back in Little League: “You can’t get a hit with the bat on your shoulder”. Top salesmen get rejected all the time. The best Pick Up Artists in the world get shot down all the time (although they never post those vids on YouTube). The secret of the champions is- they don’t let “failure” get to them (well, not for long, anyway). The worst failure not even trying. Maybe you’ll get rejected. So what? Next!
WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? Yes, on occasion you’ll hear a guy ask that question before he gets a fragmentation grenade suppository. But lets be analytical for a moment- you approach a girl, and for any one of 1,00 legitimate reasons (she really is married, she really is in a rush, whatever), things don’t go your way. SO WHAT? The IRS isn’t going to audit you, you aren’t going to face public ridicule, you aren’t going to jail… the worst thing you may experience is a brief moment of awkwardness. SO WHAT?
THE CUT. Remind yourself that YOU are also evaluating HER. If she’s rude, shrill, immature, humorless, you don’t want her anyway.
ONE GIRL / ONE VOTE. One girl’s opinion does not constitute a universal female consensus. Some girls will not dig you. So what? Lots of girls do, lots more will. Focus on them.
GETTING INTO THE GAME.Slooooowly. Easy does it.
REHEARSAL Now its time for an ‘in-field’ assignment. Its and easy one. For a few days, allocate some time to people watching. Streets, restaurants, stores, everywhere. Observe women. Then pick one you’d like to meet, note any opportunities for an approach and think about what you’d say to her. No need to be clever- just think situational. Do this at least a dozen times or more, and in your head, play out different scenarios. Visualize yourself being relaxed, confident and cool. This exercise will get you to realize that you actually can go up to a total stranger and start a conversation. (Told you it would be easy)
HIT AND RUN CONGENIALITY. For a day or two, say hello and smile at everyone you pass. Hot girls, old ladies, couples, people shopping in the supermarket. Simple. Just “hi” or “hello” or “good morning”…. a second of eye contact, a smile, and keep walking. You’re outta there. There may be a few people that don’t hear you, or are so up in their head that they don’t process what’s happening, and there may some people that look right at you and scowl. Fuck ‘em. That’s their deal, not yours. The vast majority of people will appreciate the fleeting instant of positive energy you gave them. (That wasn’t so bad, was it?)
FOLLOW THROUGH. The next step is an effortless transition. Just put the pieces together. Spot a girl, catch the timing, make your approach, say hello and try out some of the openers you’d been going over in your head. Your goal here is a few moments of engaging conversation. As a matter of fact, it might be a good idea to set a 3 minute limit on each interaction and keep yourself to it. Especially if things are going well.
“I’ve really got to go – it was a real pleasure to meet you. What was your name?” Repeat it back and shake her hand. “Take care of yourself. Bye” Smile and leave. This puts you in control and makes you stronger.
Just a few final thoughts:
Keep your expectations reasonable. At this point, you’re not looking to land anyone in bed. You’re not even trying to close phone numbers. In other words, there is no possibility of failure.
Take your time doing the exercises and allow your courage to build.
Keep it Playful, Keep it Light, Keep it Fun. Yes, dark, brooding bad-boys do get their share of women but they operate within an entirely different pickup structure. Don’t concern yourself with that for now.
KISS. Forget about complicated routines or memorized sets. Keep It Super Simple.
There. I don’t need to wish you luck because now you have a plan. Work it and get back to me with the results.
Most of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned seem to have had an element of “ass-kicking” to them. The following lesson will improve your dating skills and hook-up percentages by 1,000% or more. But if you have a very fragile ego or delicate constitution, stop reading now. I understand that hard reality isn’t for everyone.
I’m guessing that you already realize on some level that your ‘game’ needs improvement. Maybe you’re newly single or enduring a dry spell or feel like your pick-up skills are rusty (or non-existent). Whatever the situation is, you’re dissatisfied. Good! Discomfort is an important prerequisite to change.
As an adult, you’re responsible for your feelings. And what you do about them.
Imagine you’re the CEO, taking a look at Interpersonal Relationships Division of your life. The Department of Nookie. There have been some serious problems there, and you want to see whats going on for yourself.
To your horror, you discover the place is a complete shambles. Trash strewn everywhere, obsolete technology, antiquated furnishings. There’s no activity at all; its so deserted you could safely shoot off a cannon. A couple of schlubs are moping around, their faces a mix of apathy and disgust. You grab the nearest person by the shoulders and shake them hard – you demand to know why there isn’t a frenzy of activity to pull this operation out of the toilet! In response, you get a shrug and a string of lame excuses. You get foot shuffling and blame shifting. Self justifications. Then silence.
If this happened in your company, you’d blow your stack! It would be a blood bath- you would fire everyone… you might even physically throw them out the window. You’d instantly take control and make drastic changes..
You’d make changes to the facility - clean out all the garbage, redesign the place so its efficient, sharp looking and ready to do business
Throw out the old manuals. Institute new procedures and drill everyone until they were instinctive.. Establish new operations modeled on what the most successful companies are doing to thrive in an evolving market.
From this point forward, You’d demand accountability. Daily, weekly and quarterly reports on what is being done and how much progress is being made. You will measure effort and results.
Diligence is rewarded. Failure is analyzed. Achievement is celebrated.
Momentum is built, slowly at first. With hard work, vigilance and courageous leadership, small successes lead to larger victories. You WILL turn this division around.
OK. I don’t need to beat you with this. You ARE the BOSS. You already know what to do… but I’ll lay it out for you anyway.
Realize you can’t go back in time to change things. You cant go back 10,000 million years, you cant go back 10 seconds. Resolve that you will think and act positively and decisively. in THIS moment and EVERY moment going forward.
Clean up the mess. All the EMOTIONAL crap – how your ex girlfriend betrayed you, how your ex wife dumped you, how your jr high crush broke your heart…. of course it hurts, but , but for god’s sake, you’re a man! Get yourself sorted out! Get therapy if you need to- that’s okay. Wallowing in the swamp is not acceptable. Clean up the PHYSICAL mess, too. GET IN SHAPE. That means fix your diet and work out! Self discipline and strenuous exertion.
Eliminate your erroneous beliefs about relationships and ban your self-defeating behavior patterns. Face it, if they were working with for you, you’d be swimming in pussy right now. Out with the weak, in with the powerful. Remember- as the BOSS, you wouldn’t tolerate anyone on staff that wanted to slide back into the familiar but disastrous policies of yore. New thinking. New Action (we’ll go over the specifics in other posts)
You’re not only the CEO, you’re also every member of the team. You are your own sales force, and you need to go out prospecting. Make contacts. Set Appointments. Fill the wide mouth of the sales funnel. That means: go out, meet lots of women, get phone numbers (not emails or Facebook info) and go out on dates. This is critical. If you don’t have a lot of leads, you will not write any deals.
Be Consistent/ Hold Yourself Accountable. Getting your love life back on track is your new job. If all of this seems like work, it is! Getting laid doesn’t happen accidentally! Quality girlfriends don’t randomly find you, you have to get them. And if it seems like too much effort, or its too scary, then close up shop! Accept that you quit on yourself and resign yourself to the fact that your dismal situation wont get better, and you will remain alone and lonely.
That’s the Master Blueprint. (We’ll go over the nuts and bolts in future posts). Get the right attitude, take the correct steps in the right sequence, evaluate – adjust, build momentum..As you can see, meeting women and connecting with the right one isn’t some grand mystery. You can do this.
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*sigh* This isn’t easy to admit. Please bare with me for a moment.
I’ve worked in various industries and held numerous jobs. Entry level, manual labor, tech, white collar. Some were profitable, many were grinding, and a few were even fun.
A couple of years ago, I was working through some lousy circumstances. I was in a job I despised (and in debt), out of shape (I’d allowed myself to be lulled into complacency during a long-term relationship), and newly single (she had ended it with me – perhaps because I was broke, flabby, and sometimes moody).
I went through the expected depression phase rather quickly, and set about getting my life back on track. I’d been down before and knew I could bounce back higher. I dusted off and re-read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (Dale Carnagie), various books by Anthony Robbins, Man’s Search For Meaning (Viktor Frankl), and Lead the Field (Earl Nightingale). This clarified my thinking.
First, I got my ass into a hardcore training regimen to get back in shape. Running, stretching, progressive resistance training, crunches. I was working out 4 or 5 days a week. I started to feel better instantly and look better in weeks.
Next, I took a look at my finances. Not great. I didn’t live extravagantly, but I committed to making some spending cuts, and more importantly, getting a new gig (more on that in a bit).
Then I got honest about my romantic prospects. My flirting skills and pick-up game was as weak as my body had gotten. My confidence was at low tide.
It was at that time,by pure coincidence, that a friend sent me an email that seemed to be exactly what I needed. It was a help wanted ad. Easy hours. High profit potential. Hot market (at the time). Paid training. Best of all, I’d be forced to face and conquer my social fears.
It was a sales job. Timeshare.
If you have a value judgment, please suspend it for a moment. I’ll tell you why its relevant to dating and seduction.
Think about it. In most businesses, a prospect might have at least some interest in your product or service. In as a timeshare rep, your prospects have ZERO interest. Actually, less than that – people are bribed to go on tours. They’re suspicious. Even before they meet you, they think you’re sleazy and loathsome.
If you’re good at your job, within 90 minutes, they’re happily shaking your hand and signing a mortgage for $22k, $35k, or $50k! With interest rates from 13%-19%!!!
I spent 3 & 1/2 years in the industry. In that time:
I completely eliminated my social phobias
Acquired very high-level professional sales skills
Learned how to deal with rejection
Learned subtleties and nuances of personal interaction, and how to read/and lead various personality types.
Picked up dozens of ‘insider’ tips from the top reps
Became a “master closer”
As I was just getting started in the business, I also got heavily involved in the online Pick Up Artist (PUA) community. I read all the articles, joined the forums, and invested in several different courses. While some sucked, others were AWESOME (like this one, this one and this one… all get my strongest endorsement). Quickly, I was having more success with women than I’d ever had in my entire life. (I’ll share my opinions as to which guru’s are authentic and which programs to avoid).
In this blog, I’ll be teaching you the nuts and bolts techniques of attracting women, approaching women, relating to women, and scoring with women I’ll also teach you WHY this stuff works.
* In my final year (before the economy tanked and the markets collapsed), I was inducted into the Million Dollar Producer Club. That’s kind of a big deal.
* While I’m not proud that I got my start working for the dirtiest scumbags in a scumbag industry (Westgate Resorts), I do take pride in the fact that I spent most of my career employed by one of the finest vacation ownership companies in the world. (Ranked in the Fortune 500 – good people, good product, no pressure tactics, high ethical standards).
* No, I don’t own a timeshare. Don’t want one either, thanks.
Well meaning people often say very stupid shit. Especially in awkward situations or when trying to offer support. Maybe its because they’re embarrassed and tongue-tied. Or honestly dont have any original thoughts. Perhaps busting out a well worn cliche is the easy thing to do – gives the appearance of empathy without the effort.
By echoing something seemingly incontrovertible bon mot gives them the aura of wisdom (while they enjoy the glow of feeling superior). “Things happen for a reason” “It’ll all work out” and “Just Be Yourself”.
I can’t stand this nonsense. And I’ll usually call people on their crap as soon as they start.
Things do NOT happen for a reason. Things happen. Everyone attaches their own meaning.
Things may work out- but they might not work out in your favor.
Just Be Yourself? Well, what if you’re a sincere guy, but you’re exuding bad energy? Or you put people off because your social skills really need work? What if you’re a douchebag? (Adam Corolla prefers the term “douche nozzle”- that’s the part that gets the action).
I’ll argue that this pervasive and seemingly innocuous advice is actually very dangerous and destructive. Lots of guys have embraced the ‘just be yourself’ advice and they haven’t had a date in years.
Consensus of foolishness does not equal truth.
Who are the sages dispensing this advice, anyway? It comes from all corners – your aunt Sophie (who’s perfume is as cloying as dollar store air freshener), your single friends who’s only conquests are on World of Warcraft, your couple friends (who are too lazy, comfortable or afraid to end their lousy relationship), 16 year old ‘relationship experts’ on Facebook. Even some noted PUA coaches!
In other words, they’d have you believe that you should just be patient and wait around until your perfect match discovers you, becomes intoxicated by your wonderfulness, and …
Exactly- its total bullshit. If you’ve spend a day in business, you already know that in a cut-throat market, you need (among other things) a damn good product, a competitive advantage, and lots of marketing.
Just Be Yourself is an excuse to be lazy (“why should I work to improve when I can ‘just be myself’). Its a thin rationale to wear against the bitter cold reality that you’ve got some adjustments to make.
* Cringe-Worthy Epic Failure Confession* The summer before my junior year of HS, I got a job at the community pool as part of the maintenance staff. Easy gig, lots of time to goof off. And some very hot lifeguard chicks. One day a bunch of people were hanging out in the common lounge after lunch.
“Kathy” – one of the hot lifeguard chicks- invited me to play chess. Whoa! Sweeeeet! While I had some basic skills at the game, I was clueless about some basic etiquette. You see, I had taken a lot of cues from my older brother and cousins, who were… complete fucking monkeys. Standard procedure for losing at a game was to toss it.
Anyway, Kathy and I chatted playfully as we made our moves. Exchanged furtive eye contact. Brushed hands accidentally while reaching for pieces.
Then she called an early checkmate…. our friends and co-workers laughed and elbowed eachother. I was smiling and laughing too – even as my arm slowly rose of its own volition and cleared the pieces to the floor! Forget about farting in church… this was pinching a loaf on the alter. ( It took an apology, an explanation, some time, and the intervention of a few buddies to get us back on track.)
So Who Should I Be?
Ah, here’s the kicker. You should be,,, you. Not “just” you, but the ideal you that embodies your highest values and best characteristics. The “uber” version of yourself – the personification of all you strive to become.
Don’t be insincere, don’t imitate a style that conflicts with your basic nature. You’ll come off as a phony and you will fail. Rightfully so. You MUST be authentic.
Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue if you have it not”. To some degree or another, we all possess courage, enthusiasm, playfulness, curiosity, self-control, etc. In your mind, picture a fully actualized version of yourself. Fit. Confident. Relaxed. What does that look like? How does that feel? How would you act?
Well, there you have it. Stop “just” being yourself and start behaving like the person you want to become. Its a process. It requires dedication, attention, conditioning, and constant vigilance.
This isn’t about quick-fixes or slick routines. Its about fearlessly taking a personal inventory, actually writing out a balance sheet of debits and credits, and coming up with a plan of action to improving your deficiencies and maximize your strengths.
As you continue on your path of personal improvement, you’ll be surprised at how many ladies enjoy your company.